Me without you

I slept with the lights off for the first time in months. I feel empty and hollow and lonely and broken. I know you are gone from me. You don't love me, or want me but my soul aches for you. To hear you. To lay my head on your chest and feel you breathe. Your arms around me. But still, I ache a disgusting dull painful ache. My bones hurt almost as much as the empty spot in my chest or the pit in my stomach. I will never be the same.

without you.

I am incomplete. All I can do is cry when I find myself alone. You are so close, but so far away. I don't even know if you think about me. Or if you have forgiveness in your heart for all my failures. There is nothing that could fill the void where you once lived. Just a dull ache. The spark of hope that keeps me going is dimming. I lie to myself, telling myself you will come back to me one day. I am in counseling now to try to make sense of myself, but honestly, I don't think I can without you in my life. I am losing my faith in God. A just and loving god would not put your beautiful soul in my life just to rip it away. I carried faith through my terrible childhood, my abusive first marriage, my beautiful child passing away in my arms, and Christopher dying. But this... The sadness of my soul is stronger than my once unwavering trust in the Lord.

I went to court today. To keep our son. Me, my lawyer, your lawyer, the judge. The judge showed concern that I would put our son in danger, because I make bad decisions. Because I love you and allowed you to come home. I do not care what anyone says or thinks, I will fight wars for our son. And I will love you from a distance until you are you again.

I will never stop waiting. I will never stop loving you. I will never stop looking at every work truck, every construction site, every car that looks like yours. I will never stop listening for you in the drive, checking for you text messages, waiting to hearing you on the other side of the wall. I will never stop. You will continue to be the reason I come undone, until you put me back together again. Oh. And I miss you.

I was told that time would make me see that I was hanging on because I was somehow addicted to "my trauma bond". I keep wondering when this epiphany that will make me okay is supposed to suddenly happen. I just don't see a monster. I don't see a narcissist. I don't see an abuser. I don't see you in any other way than my Jimmy. I was told that my trauma fog would lift and my senses would come back with my words. But as my words are slowly coming back, nothing has changed my what my heart feels. I was told not to forgive because it was unforgivable and that I should be angry because I didn't deserve it. I can't forgive myself for my reaction to your distress and disregulation. I am angry for not behaving with the same compassion and care that I use with my students. Had I been a better person, you would not be gone. Had I been what you needed in a wife, you would not be going through all this. Had I been anything like the me you married, I would not be c...