53 days

I was told that time would make me see that I was hanging on because I was somehow addicted to "my trauma bond". I keep wondering when this epiphany that will make me okay is supposed to suddenly happen. I just don't see a monster. I don't see a narcissist. I don't see an abuser. I don't see you in any other way than my Jimmy. I was told that my trauma fog would lift and my senses would come back with my words. But as my words are slowly coming back, nothing has changed my what my heart feels. I was told not to forgive because it was unforgivable and that I should be angry because I didn't deserve it. I can't forgive myself for my reaction to your distress and disregulation. I am angry for not behaving with the same compassion and care that I use with my students. Had I been a better person, you would not be gone. Had I been what you needed in a wife, you would not be going through all this. Had I been anything like the me you married, I would not be counting days now. So I'm waiting. I don't know for how long. I'm just waiting. For the life we were supposed to have to start again. Or at least for the one I currently have to end. Will time really fix what we broke that day? Will it make me suddenly mad enough to move on? Or help you forgive me? Will it make this awful emptiness fill back in with warmth and calm? Or at least let me find sleep? I have to just keep waiting.

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