Me without you

I no longer have friends. I don't want them. I don't want to talk to anyone, to fake smiles, to pretend I care about anything outside of who I used to be. I loathe this life. I constantly try to remove myself from the idea of us so that I can heal and move forward but I don't. I am still stuck, trapped in my contempt for what is my current life, longing for life in my memories. I dream that I'm still beautiful and loved but I am here and it is now. I wish I had never looked your way. I wish I had never caused you so much sadness that you wanted to destroy any part of us. I wish I had just fallen off the face of the earth before I ever met you. I am completely full of regret. Not for loving you, but for ruining what I love so much. I'm still pretending I'm alright. I'm still politely nodding, saying I'm great, moving "forward". In reality, I long for silence, peace, to be removed from this. I'm coming apart. Living just enough, but nothing...

The sensation of you hating me washes over me daily. It creeps up on me like a sneaker wave in the ocean. I think, "Today is the day I will be alright"... But then I'm not. I look in the parking lot at work and see us holding hands in your car. I walk past the door to your room and listen for the sound of you pacing or rehashing an old conversation you had. I drive by our favorite restaurants, our favorite hotels, our favorite places to go walking and I see us there. I fall in love all over and only remember the beauty of us. I think about us growing old together and facing our end holding each other. And then it comes. You hating me. A hate so intense it burns my skin and I cover my eyes as if it will make the image of you staring with contempt for me disappear. I beg forgiveness and pray you heal from all the things I didn't do right and all the things I did completely wrong. I fight with my head to only see the way you looked at me when you first married me. I try ...

I would take back every moment, clear back to before our first hello, if it would fix whatever loving me has broken in you. I'll always love you. Happy Anniversary

I struggle to understand why I can't just let you go. You don't love me. You don't even like me. And yet I cling to you tightly as if you would be bothered to even acknowledge me other than the digs spurred in my direct as retold by your son. And yet I somehow melt at the thought of your smile. The memory of the way you used to look at me when you loved me. And I am so stupidly stupid. Waiting for someone who is never coming back to me. Who hates the mere thought of me. Who deserves far more than I was ever designed to be. I just thought I could be. If I just tried hard enough. My stupidity.

I hold my breath. I close my eyes just enough to remember I'm still here. I listen for the sound of the ocean. I part my lips and imagine the salt on you skin on my mouth. Why couldn't we just have stayed at the beach forever? But I'm told you blame me. That you're angry, with a chip on your shoulder. That you have nothing left here and I'll never see you again. What I hold on to has been stripped. I found purpose in holding out for the beach with you someday. With the thought of having only the sound of the waves and your heartbeat instead of all the noise that makes my head hurt. I found comfort in living in that memory, thinking it would be my life again. It kept me tethered to life. And still, I call you my beautiful husband. Even knowing you don't love me. I love you, and I remain yours. Even knowing you literally hate me.

I slept with the lights off for the first time in months. I feel empty and hollow and lonely and broken. I know you are gone from me. You don't love me, or want me but my soul aches for you. To hear you. To lay my head on your chest and feel you breathe. Your arms around me. But still, I ache a disgusting dull painful ache. My bones hurt almost as much as the empty spot in my chest or the pit in my stomach. I will never be the same.

without you.