Me without you

I would take back every moment, clear back to before our first hello, if it would fix whatever loving me has broken in you. I'll always love you. Happy Anniversary

I struggle to understand why I can't just let you go. You don't love me. You don't even like me. And yet I cling to you tightly as if you would be bothered to even acknowledge me other than the digs spurred in my direct as retold by your son. And yet I somehow melt at the thought of your smile. The memory of the way you used to look at me when you loved me. And I am so stupidly stupid. Waiting for someone who is never coming back to me. Who hates the mere thought of me. Who deserves far more than I was ever designed to be. I just thought I could be. If I just tried hard enough. My stupidity.

I hold my breath. I close my eyes just enough to remember I'm still here. I listen for the sound of the ocean. I part my lips and imagine the salt on you skin on my mouth. Why couldn't we just have stayed at the beach forever? But I'm told you blame me. That you're angry, with a chip on your shoulder. That you have nothing left here and I'll never see you again. What I hold on to has been stripped. I found purpose in holding out for the beach with you someday. With the thought of having only the sound of the waves and your heartbeat instead of all the noise that makes my head hurt. I found comfort in living in that memory, thinking it would be my life again. It kept me tethered to life. And still, I call you my beautiful husband. Even knowing you don't love me. I love you, and I remain yours. Even knowing you literally hate me.

I slept with the lights off for the first time in months. I feel empty and hollow and lonely and broken. I know you are gone from me. You don't love me, or want me but my soul aches for you. To hear you. To lay my head on your chest and feel you breathe. Your arms around me. But still, I ache a disgusting dull painful ache. My bones hurt almost as much as the empty spot in my chest or the pit in my stomach. I will never be the same.

without you.

I am incomplete. All I can do is cry when I find myself alone. You are so close, but so far away. I don't even know if you think about me. Or if you have forgiveness in your heart for all my failures. There is nothing that could fill the void where you once lived. Just a dull ache. The spark of hope that keeps me going is dimming. I lie to myself, telling myself you will come back to me one day. I am in counseling now to try to make sense of myself, but honestly, I don't think I can without you in my life. I am losing my faith in God. A just and loving god would not put your beautiful soul in my life just to rip it away. I carried faith through my terrible childhood, my abusive first marriage, my beautiful child passing away in my arms, and Christopher dying. But this... The sadness of my soul is stronger than my once unwavering trust in the Lord.

I went to court today. To keep our son. Me, my lawyer, your lawyer, the judge. The judge showed concern that I would put our son in danger, because I make bad decisions. Because I love you and allowed you to come home. I do not care what anyone says or thinks, I will fight wars for our son. And I will love you from a distance until you are you again.