Me without you

I no longer have friends. I don't want them. I don't want to talk to anyone, to fake smiles, to pretend I care about anything outside of who I used to be. I loathe this life. I constantly try to remove myself from the idea of us so that I can heal and move forward but I don't. I am still stuck, trapped in my contempt for what is my current life, longing for life in my memories. I dream that I'm still beautiful and loved but I am here and it is now. I wish I had never looked your way. I wish I had never caused you so much sadness that you wanted to destroy any part of us. I wish I had just fallen off the face of the earth before I ever met you. I am completely full of regret. Not for loving you, but for ruining what I love so much. I'm still pretending I'm alright. I'm still politely nodding, saying I'm great, moving "forward". In reality, I long for silence, peace, to be removed from this. I'm coming apart. Living just enough, but nothing...

The sensation of you hating me washes over me daily. It creeps up on me like a sneaker wave in the ocean. I think, "Today is the day I will be alright"... But then I'm not. I look in the parking lot at work and see us holding hands in your car. I walk past the door to your room and listen for the sound of you pacing or rehashing an old conversation you had. I drive by our favorite restaurants, our favorite hotels, our favorite places to go walking and I see us there. I fall in love all over and only remember the beauty of us. I think about us growing old together and facing our end holding each other. And then it comes. You hating me. A hate so intense it burns my skin and I cover my eyes as if it will make the image of you staring with contempt for me disappear. I beg forgiveness and pray you heal from all the things I didn't do right and all the things I did completely wrong. I fight with my head to only see the way you looked at me when you first married me. I try ...