Me without you

I have come to realize I will never measure up. You cling to those who abhor me, who treat me less than, who blame me for faults and flaws that are not mine to own. I am saddened by the thought that when you are free, you will return to the divide that holds us apart. I have already begun to dread the day. We will inevitably part. You will return to them and their harsh thoughts of me. I will remain, alone where I started. A heart so loving that it find the purity hidden in what I can only see wreckage and hurt. You find comfort in those who see only the worst in the rest of the world, which includes me. And in this truth I feel my heart weigh down. Like an anchor, it drags me deep into the darkness of what will swallow me whole. All I can do now is feel my whole being grow heavier and harder to carry. What once seemed like hope is now a slow searing dispare. My heart so heavy.

I no longer have friends. I don't want them. I don't want to talk to anyone, to fake smiles, to pretend I care about anything outside of who I used to be. I loathe this life. I constantly try to remove myself from the idea of us so that I can heal and move forward but I don't. I am still stuck, trapped in my contempt for what is my current life, longing for life in my memories. I dream that I'm still beautiful and loved but I am here and it is now. I wish I had never looked your way. I wish I had never caused you so much sadness that you wanted to destroy any part of us. I wish I had just fallen off the face of the earth before I ever met you. I am completely full of regret. Not for loving you, but for ruining what I love so much. I'm still pretending I'm alright. I'm still politely nodding, saying I'm great, moving "forward". In reality, I long for silence, peace, to be removed from this. I'm coming apart. Living just enough, but nothing...

The sensation of you hating me washes over me daily. It creeps up on me like a sneaker wave in the ocean. I think, "Today is the day I will be alright"... But then I'm not. I look in the parking lot at work and see us holding hands in your car. I walk past the door to your room and listen for the sound of you pacing or rehashing an old conversation you had. I drive by our favorite restaurants, our favorite hotels, our favorite places to go walking and I see us there. I fall in love all over and only remember the beauty of us. I think about us growing old together and facing our end holding each other. And then it comes. You hating me. A hate so intense it burns my skin and I cover my eyes as if it will make the image of you staring with contempt for me disappear. I beg forgiveness and pray you heal from all the things I didn't do right and all the things I did completely wrong. I fight with my head to only see the way you looked at me when you first married me. I try ...

I would take back every moment, clear back to before our first hello, if it would fix whatever loving me has broken in you. I'll always love you. Happy Anniversary

I struggle to understand why I can't just let you go. You don't love me. You don't even like me. And yet I cling to you tightly as if you would be bothered to even acknowledge me other than the digs spurred in my direct as retold by your son. And yet I somehow melt at the thought of your smile. The memory of the way you used to look at me when you loved me. And I am so stupidly stupid. Waiting for someone who is never coming back to me. Who hates the mere thought of me. Who deserves far more than I was ever designed to be. I just thought I could be. If I just tried hard enough. My stupidity.

I hold my breath. I close my eyes just enough to remember I'm still here. I listen for the sound of the ocean. I part my lips and imagine the salt on you skin on my mouth. Why couldn't we just have stayed at the beach forever? But I'm told you blame me. That you're angry, with a chip on your shoulder. That you have nothing left here and I'll never see you again. What I hold on to has been stripped. I found purpose in holding out for the beach with you someday. With the thought of having only the sound of the waves and your heartbeat instead of all the noise that makes my head hurt. I found comfort in living in that memory, thinking it would be my life again. It kept me tethered to life. And still, I call you my beautiful husband. Even knowing you don't love me. I love you, and I remain yours. Even knowing you literally hate me.